Telling Your Family | Caremark Health Resources

You've been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Now its time to tell your family. How will they react? Adults and children react to the news of a family member's chronic illness in many different ways. However, it is likely that each person's reaction will change over time, and will eventually include, to some extent, each of these feelings:

Denial: "No, it can't be true!"

Anger: "Why you? Why our family?"

Bargaining: "I'll do anything, if only this can be changed. Anything!"

Depression: "I feel hopeless. I'll never feel joy again."

Acceptance: "This is happening and we will cope with it."

The grief cycle

Taken together, these feelings comprise what is known as the "grief cycle." The grief cycle is the normal emotional process all people go through when confronted with a significant loss. Do you recognize these feelings? Chances are, as the patient, you can place yourself somewhere on the chart above right now. That's because you are in the process of grieving your own illness.

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve the loss of one's own health or that of a family member. The grief cycle has been likened to a roller coaster or a slippery slope. It's unpredictable! The phases of the grief cycle may occur in any order and can last for varying amounts of time. The phases usually also repeat. It is even possible to experience all of these feelings in the same day!

Depression is the turning point in the grief cycle. It is the classic sign of grief. Depression embraces the reality of the diagnosis. Once the diagnosis is fully grieved it can be fully accepted. That's why even though depression feels bad, it's actually a good thing. Depression is the gateway to acceptance. With acceptance, comes the energy to deal with the challenges of the illness.

It is possible to get "stuck" in any phase of the grief cycle. Prolonged anger, depression or denial aren't healthy because they keep the grieving person from arriving at the acceptance phase. In the context of a family, this can affect everyone. Serious ongoing depression, denial or anger on the part of any family member may require a therapist's help.

Telling your family

If you are married, your spouse probably already knows your diagnosis. If not, he or she should be the first to know. Together, you can tell the rest of your family. Here are a few tips:

Timing

Don't share this news at a time when family members are hungry, tired or upset about some other issue. Choose a time when everyone in the immediate family can be present. Take the phone off the hook.

Detach

Prepare for this discussion by "detaching" -- stepping back emotionally from the situation. Let go of your expectations about how you would like your family to respond. Give your family the freedom to feel and say whatever they need to. You may witness great emotion or no emotion at all -- but don't take it personally. People handle the news of a chronic illness in different ways. Understanding and support develop over time.

Telling children

Use language that is appropriate to the child's age. Keep the explanation simple. Make sure children know that they can't "catch" RA from you the way they can catch a cold. For school aged children, write the words "rheumatoid arthritis" on a piece of paper so they can begin to recognize the name of your disease. Young children sometimes tend to blame themselves for things they cannot understand, so it is important to tell them that RA is not their fault.

Telling teenagers

On the surface teenagers may appear "cool" or may not seem to react at all. Inside, however, they may feel worried, afraid, embarrassed or have other emotions they don't want to talk about. They may have many questions they aren't ready to ask. Stay positive and open. Leave materials about rheumatoid arthritis on the coffee table where they can access them casually later.

Telling parents, in-laws, adult children and close relatives

Parents, in-laws, siblings, grown children or other close relatives may respond in a variety of ways. Younger adult relatives, especially, may assume a caretaking role. They may want to step in and help or even manage the situation. Parents and in-laws who are elderly or in poor health themselves may feel panicked or burdened. They may feel that they are expected to provide support they are not capable of providing. The amount of help and support that will be appreciated and appropriate depends upon your relationship with the relative, your actual needs, and their actual ability to be supportive. Ongoing discussions can help set boundaries that everyone can be comfortable with

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