•  Talking With Kids About Tough Issues

Ten-year-old Richard Burnham keeps stuff about sex and drugs in his desk drawer at home, but he doesn't hide it from his parents. They gave it to him. And even though it came from adults, Richard actually refers to it now and then.

"He knows exactly how you can get AIDS, and exactly how he should protect himself from it," said Richard's father, Allan Hunt-Burnham. If that seems a bit much for a fourth-grader, think about how often young children like Richard are exposed to sexual content in movies and television. Increasingly, educators believe children need information on AIDS at an early age, along with facts about other threats to their well-being, like drugs and guns at school.

That was the idea behind Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, a guide for parents on how -- and when -- to talk to children about sex, AIDS, violence, and drugs and alcohol. (The brochure is what 10-year-old Richard keeps in his drawer.) Sponsored by Children Now, a children's advocacy group in Oakland, California, and the Kaiser Family Foundation, the guide makes the perhaps surprising recommendation that parents begin discussing these subjects with children as young as 8-years-old.

"Some parents and caregivers may question the appropriateness of talking about such sensitive topics with young children," the guide says. "But consider this: Our kids are already hearing about these issues from TV, movies, magazines, and school friends. If we don't talk with them early and often -- and answer their questions -- they'll get the facts from someone else. And we'll have missed an important opportunity to offer our children information that's not only accurate, but also in sync with our own personal values and moral principles."

In 1998, Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation -- a health care philanthropic organization that's not affiliated with the HMO Kaiser Permanente -- conducted a survey of 880 parents and 348 children, ages 10 to 15. Nearly 90 percent of parents said these subjects should be aired at an early age, but at least 50 percent agreed that parents generally wait too long to talk to their kids about each of these tough issues.

"We realized there was a real need to support parents. Kids are being exposed to a lot of risky topics that are on their minds, and parents don't necessarily feel equipped to discuss them," said Lois Salisbury, former president of Children Now.

The survey was conducted six months before two students at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, went on a shooting rampage, killing 12 students and a teacher before taking their own lives. Such tragedies put our whole culture under a microscope, says Salisbury, but often it's parents who get the brunt of the blame. After Columbine, Salisbury and other researchers began hearing from parents that they don't need accusations; they need help.

"When the Colorado tragedy forced parents to jump into difficult conversations with their children about violence, many realized it was hard to do," Salisbury said. It became clear, she said, that parents could use some practical guidelines.

Allan Hunt-Burnham, a substance abuse counselor in San Francisco, said he felt savvy enough to be forthcoming with Richard and his 6-year-old sister Allana on these subjects, but even so, he found Children Now's down-to-earth advice helpful.

"What I liked about it was the amount of encouragement it gave parents to be open about the subjects of drugs, sex, and violence -- that it was okay to talk about the subject instead of around it," he said.

The "Talking With Kids" campaign has been endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Black Development Institute, the National Council of Churches, Boys and Girls Clubs of America, the National Council of La Raza, and the national Parent Teacher Association, among others. President Clinton produced a public service announcement for the program, encouraging earlier and more frequent parent-child communication.

Often parents wait for their children to ask questions, using their curiosity as a gauge of when they're ready. But kids only ask questions if they feel their parents are comfortable with the topic. When surveyed, children report that their parents have the greatest difficulty talking about sex. Children Now advises parents to admit it if they're uncomfortable or don't know the answer, but counsels them to relax and give their kids accurate, age-appropriate information. If your 8-year-old has a friend whose mother is pregnant, you can use that as a jumping-off point to discuss basic reproduction. Older children, 11 or 12, for example, need information about preventing unwanted pregnancies, but they also need to know that sexual relationships involve love and caring as well as responsibility, the guide says.

"It's not like sex wasn't an issue 10, 20, 30 years ago, but the consequences in today's world are deadly in a way they weren't for previous generations," Salisbury said. "The consequences (of unprotected sex) now are much more severe and frightening."

The guide, published on the Internet , as well as in a brochure, doesn't plunge deeply into the big topics it broaches. In fact, the section on AIDS addresses only heterosexual transmission of HIV and fleetingly mentions gay men, the group in the US most affected by AIDS.

Salisbury says the guide was designed to appeal to a broad spectrum of parents "and at the same time, try not to bury things." She said she's gotten good responses to radio interviews from both the far left and the Christian right. "It was an effort to strike a balance, to be sensitive to the range of all issues.We don't pretend to be the last word on these issues."

The survey revealed a few surprises: While parents said that mothers of children ages 10 to 15 were the most influential sources for information on sex, AIDS, alcohol, drugs, and violence, their kids said mothers were their fourth most influential source -- behind TV and movies, friends, and teachers. However, moms did squeak in ahead of the Internet.

But on the subject of reducing youth crime, a Children Now survey of high school students last February showed that parents have a much greater influence than they may think. In an ethnically and economically diverse group of California teenagers, the highest percentage named "parents spending more time with children" as very important in curbing youth crime. "Reducing the availability of guns" came in second in importance to the teens.

"Everybody thinks teens don't want to spend time with their parents," Salisbury said. "But they're saying more hours with parents would be the most helpful deterrent to youth violence."

Of course, timing the discussion of these delicate matters is crucial, and some situations just aren't meant to be teachable moments.

The guide advises, "If your 10-year-old asks, 'Mom, what's a condom?' while you're negotiating a tricky turn in rush-hour traffic, it's perfectly okay for you to say something like, 'That's an important question. But with all this traffic, I can't explain right now. Let's talk later, after dinner.' And make sure you do."

-- Elaine Herscher is a senior editor at Consumer Health Interactive.

Last updated October 20, 2008
Copyright © 2000 Consumer Health Interactive

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