Inheriting Attitudes From Parents

Children think their parents are always perfect. They often blame themselves for their parents' faults and weaknesses. Children also often adopt their mother or father's negative attitudes and opinions. They can carry these attitudes into adulthood and never question them.

Messages commonly passed on to girls may include:

• All men want is sex.
• Men do not have feelings.
• Men are always unfaithful.
• Men will not let you think for yourself.

Messages commonly passed on to boys include:

• All women are overly emotional.
• Women are fragile and sensitive; be careful what you say to them.
• It is a man's job to make a woman feel good. If you cannot, you are a failure.
• Women always want more than you can give.

Choosing a Mate

Adults often choose partners who are similar to a parent in some way. This is because the person feels familiar.

Healing and intimacy can begin when couples learn more about themselves. They need to see how their childhood affected them. This means seeing their parents' faults and weaknesses as well as strengths. The next step is to apply this knowledge to themselves and their partners.

Letting the Beliefs Out

Getting closer may begin by talking about negative attitudes and beliefs. For instance, Sally could reveal how her family thought she was ugly. John might disclose that he cannot express anger at women. He thought his mother was perfect and could never be angry at her.

Increasing the Intimacy

Couples can also become closer by appreciating their differences.

Here are some ways to do this:

• Remember, the other person is not you. Your partner's behavior, attitudes and feelings are important too.
• Be curious, not furious. Teach your partner about yourself. This can help get to the deeper meaning of a person's behavior.
• Accept love and compliments. Many people have learned that they do not deserve love and praise.
• Open up. Talk about your current fears, anxiety, or upsets. This is being intimate.